Komodo Dragons In The Boardroom

So, here we are. Everybody in the office seems to be carrying a baby of some age or other, there's a Komodo dragon wandering around the board room, and I'm eating smoked salmon sandwiches and drinking Champagne. That can only mean that today is the Agency Kids' Christmas Party (my favourite day of the Agency year - all the Agency offspring come in, there's an Animal Man, there's a Magician...), which can, in turn, only mean that we've reached the end of the year.

2009 has been quite a year for AdLand Suit. That goes without saying, I suppose, given that he/it/I didn't exist a year ago. Something that I started back in March (Feb?) because I had a spare ten minutes and I was fed up of reading snarky comments on Scamp and elsewhere about the lack of Account Man blogs turned, quite unexpectedly, into something quite big. People read it. You read it. I really wasn't expecting you to. But you did. And you left comments, some of which were nice, some of which were a little bit fuckwitty, all of which were hugely appreciated. Then Campaign wrote about it. And then we made three and a half grand for charity. And came out. (X-Factor also happened. But the less said about that, the better. Damn you, Snaggletooth.) I haven't posted as much recently, because I genuinely haven't had the chance, or the energy, for reasons that will become clear when you see the slew of new work on Halifax that will appear in January.

But I will in the new year. Promise. I'll probably even write some stuff between Christmas and New Year, and then stagger the posting of it - you know, like a PROPER BLOGGER. (I don't really believe Proper Bloggers exist. It feels like that sort of organisation would go against the very nature of blogging. But anyway.)

Here's hoping that 2010 is a slightly more fun year for advertising, and for life in general. Let's face it, 2009 sucked on quite a few levels, and in quite a lot of ways on those levels, but it does feel like we hit the bottom a couple of months back. Whilst we might not be quaffing champagne (ironically, of course, I am currently quaffing champagne) and building castles out of cocaine (like what they used to do in the olden days) any time soon, it feels like a bit of the buzz is coming back. Let's make 2010 a good 'un. I'll see you all for Lunch.

Right. I have to dash, as the magician's starting (I wasn't joking about today being my favourite day of the Agency year - seriously, they've already had the Animal Man in already (THERE'S A KOMODO DRAGON IN THE BOARDROOM) - but quickly, before I go, one last top tip to tide you over 'til new year:

If you ever find yourself at the Agency Kids' Christmas Party, don't over-indulge on the free-flowing Champagne. If you do, you'll find yourself more than a little refreshed by mid-afternoon, which can cause your evening's plans to come crashing down around your ears. I learned this last year. And, as you might have guessed, it was all my fault when they did. I'm still in trouble with a lot of people for that one. The bastards.

Happy Christmas, chaps. You're all lovely. See you in 2010.

PS As a quick bonus, here's the worst Xmas song (opinion author's own, but also completely true) every made:

And here's the best. Happy Christmas!

Happy Advertising Christmas!

As anyone who's ever worked on a 'fast-paced retail account' will know, Christmas doesn't begin when Darius turns the lights on in your local high street at the beginning of November. No, Christmas begins back in April or May, when the brief for the big Christmas campaign comes in - it has to be bigger, glitzier and more damn Christmassy than anything that's ever gone before, or ever will again. Yes, just like last year.

And so Suits, Planners and Creatives alike clothes-peg the curtains shut to keep out the summer sun, and immerse themselves in a world of fake snow, fake beards and fake gateaux in the quest to churn out yet another festive masterpiece. And credit to them - it's not a job I'd want. But sure enough, every November their tinselly output pours onto our screens like cranberry sauce on a Nigella'd turkey. Only difference being that for most, the arrival of Christmas retail advertising is slightly less desirable.

But whether we like it or not, Christmas is on its way, and that's a good thing. So, to get you in the spirit, here's a selection of the Xmas ads that have caught my eye over the last week. And, just to make sure my mind hasn't completely atrophied after a week of Loose Women and Hollyoaks (for those who don't follow me on twitter, I've been ill), I'm going to be sharing my thoughts on each of them via the medium of haiku. Which might go disastrously wrong. We shall see.

Before we get started, a quick disclaimer: I LOVE Christmas. Unashamedly. As such, I might be slightly less offended by cheese in these ads than I would be elsewhere. But sod you, it's Christmas. Anyway - the work.

First off, the self-proclaimed king of them all, M&S.

And my view:

Christmas cheese. World of

Celebs, and Twiggy gurning.

Thank heavens for boobs.

Now, having had a quick wander round Premium Town, let's take a pragmatic trip to the other end of the quality scale, and pay a cheeky visit to the phenomonally successful Morrisons campaign, where they're apparently offering a pound for every Christmas cliché you can think of that they haven't used. And God love 'em for it - it's bloody Christmas, you miserable bastards:

My thoughts:

A Morrisons Yule.

The food may look rather cheap.

That's because it is.

Let's turn from Supermarkets for a moment, and take in this 'delight' from on-line retailer (or e-tailer, if you're a geography student) Very - because even digital brands celebrate Christmas. (In case you're unaware, I believe the two blondes are 'celebrities'. And in NO WAY over-exposed.)

My thoughts on this one take the form of an open letter to the ad's 'stars':

Dear Fearne and Holly.

Please get off our TV screens.

This ad's VERY bad.

And, finally (for the moment at least), we turn to Waitrose. I'll declare an interest here - I love Waitrose. Not their advertising, particularly, but everything else about them, from the food to the shopping experience, from the little vouchers-for-charity thing that they do to the girl on the deli counter at the one by my mum's who always gives me an extra bit of ham. So, with that all out in the open, let's have a look at the ad:

And here's where it left me:

Beautiful music

And it FEELS like Christmas, but

Those Yorkshires look shit.

And, aside from the Argos spot (for which I can't find an embeddable link) that's all I've come across so far. As new arrive, let me know about them in the comments, via email or on twitter, and I'll happily stick them up, and haiku the hell out of them. That's assuming the haiku-crit experiment worked. I'll let you lot be the judges of that.

Happy Christmas!