Happy Advertising Christmas!

As anyone who's ever worked on a 'fast-paced retail account' will know, Christmas doesn't begin when Darius turns the lights on in your local high street at the beginning of November. No, Christmas begins back in April or May, when the brief for the big Christmas campaign comes in - it has to be bigger, glitzier and more damn Christmassy than anything that's ever gone before, or ever will again. Yes, just like last year.

And so Suits, Planners and Creatives alike clothes-peg the curtains shut to keep out the summer sun, and immerse themselves in a world of fake snow, fake beards and fake gateaux in the quest to churn out yet another festive masterpiece. And credit to them - it's not a job I'd want. But sure enough, every November their tinselly output pours onto our screens like cranberry sauce on a Nigella'd turkey. Only difference being that for most, the arrival of Christmas retail advertising is slightly less desirable.

But whether we like it or not, Christmas is on its way, and that's a good thing. So, to get you in the spirit, here's a selection of the Xmas ads that have caught my eye over the last week. And, just to make sure my mind hasn't completely atrophied after a week of Loose Women and Hollyoaks (for those who don't follow me on twitter, I've been ill), I'm going to be sharing my thoughts on each of them via the medium of haiku. Which might go disastrously wrong. We shall see.

Before we get started, a quick disclaimer: I LOVE Christmas. Unashamedly. As such, I might be slightly less offended by cheese in these ads than I would be elsewhere. But sod you, it's Christmas. Anyway - the work.

First off, the self-proclaimed king of them all, M&S.

And my view:

Christmas cheese. World of

Celebs, and Twiggy gurning.

Thank heavens for boobs.

Now, having had a quick wander round Premium Town, let's take a pragmatic trip to the other end of the quality scale, and pay a cheeky visit to the phenomonally successful Morrisons campaign, where they're apparently offering a pound for every Christmas cliché you can think of that they haven't used. And God love 'em for it - it's bloody Christmas, you miserable bastards:

My thoughts:

A Morrisons Yule.

The food may look rather cheap.

That's because it is.

Let's turn from Supermarkets for a moment, and take in this 'delight' from on-line retailer (or e-tailer, if you're a geography student) Very - because even digital brands celebrate Christmas. (In case you're unaware, I believe the two blondes are 'celebrities'. And in NO WAY over-exposed.)

My thoughts on this one take the form of an open letter to the ad's 'stars':

Dear Fearne and Holly.

Please get off our TV screens.

This ad's VERY bad.

And, finally (for the moment at least), we turn to Waitrose. I'll declare an interest here - I love Waitrose. Not their advertising, particularly, but everything else about them, from the food to the shopping experience, from the little vouchers-for-charity thing that they do to the girl on the deli counter at the one by my mum's who always gives me an extra bit of ham. So, with that all out in the open, let's have a look at the ad:

And here's where it left me:

Beautiful music

And it FEELS like Christmas, but

Those Yorkshires look shit.

And, aside from the Argos spot (for which I can't find an embeddable link) that's all I've come across so far. As new arrive, let me know about them in the comments, via email or on twitter, and I'll happily stick them up, and haiku the hell out of them. That's assuming the haiku-crit experiment worked. I'll let you lot be the judges of that.

Happy Christmas!