AdLand Suit is Dan Shute, a Board Account Director at Delaney Lund Knox Warren, a top ten London Advertising Agency. This is where I write about the life of a Suit - which can include pretty much anything. Delaney's didn't know I was doing this, but they do now. They still don't agree with everything I say though. They'd also probably rather I swore less.

Monday, 26 October 2009

All It Takes For Evil To Prevail

Latterly, I've begun to realise that whilst everything advertising-related may be the fault of Suits, there's a whole other world out there - a world in which everything is not necessarily our fault. At first, I found this vaguely reassuring, as you might imagine. But then it started to worry me - if things aren't my fault, then how am I supposed to control them? How can I make sure that things don't go wrong? Short answer, I can't. And that is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

But it's ok - I worked it out. I've established whose fault everything else is, and the problems those people cause can, as such, be kept in check. So, here's the new rule.

"If it's advertising-related, it's your fault. If it's anything else, blame the 14 year old girls."

There. Problem solved. What's that? You don't believe me? Fine. In that case, here's a list of a few things that are specifically and explicitly the fault of 14 year old girls with pay-as-you-go Sony Bloody Ericssons:

1. Lloyd from X-Factor
2. Twilight
3. Everything that's pink
4. Craig David
5. Westlife
6. Avril La-Fucking-Vigne
7. Goths
8. Bratz Dolls
9. Nervous, gibbering 14 year old boys
10. Lloyd from X-Factor
11. Hannah Montana
12. The fact that anyone still cares about Billy-Ray Cyrus (see 11)
13. The charts in general
14. Lloyd from X-Factor
15. Ponies. All ponies.
16. Racism and the BNP (this one's slightly more tenuous, but undeniable if you don't think about it too hard)
17. The death of Smash Hits and Top of the Pops
18. McFly
19. That cock from High School Musical. And High School Musical in general
20. Louis Walsh
21. Posters with kittens on them
22. The Spice Girls
23. Everyone from X-Factor (including Lloyd)
24. Films with Britney Spears in them
20. Rampant consumerism (driven by all the previous points), which via over-spending and unmanageable debt has brought the Western Economy to its knees, leading to the worst recession the world has seen in recent times, and widespread unemployment, which will inevitably lead to mass murder and cannibalism.

So, there we have it. Stop the 14 year old girls, save the world. As a great man once nearly said, "All it takes for 14 year old girls to prevail is for the grown-ups to do nothing."


Anthropith said...

This may all be perfectly true, but 'controlling 14 year old girls'? Where I live, trying to do that is called Grooming!

AdLand Suit said...

Well, strictly speaking, 'succeeding' in doing that would be grooming. But your point's a fair one. I have amended accordingly.

HJonesy said...

Very good, however I feel you missed:

Rebirth of silly fashions including neon colours, leg-warmers and ra-ra skirts.

An increase in the puddles of regurgitated alco-pops on the city streets.

The lack of available seats on buses/tubes during term time.

The increase in asphyxiation potential from eye-wateringly cheap perfume/body spray on said buses/tubes during term time.

Bright-dancing...whatever the feck that actually is!

The ear-bleedingly loud shrieking in shops, coffeeshops, supermarkets, cinemas, cafes etc as they take to the streets en masse at weekends

The continued annoyance of T-Mobile's flashmob/karaoke campaigns

Big Brother


T4 in general

oh, and Lloyd from XFactor...

Mike said...

I have to agree with everything you've said here, which is slightly worrying - I'm only 21, surely I'm too young to become old and cynical and hate young people?

Actually..... that sounds about right.