Twitter is...

[The below list has already appeared in an earlier post, but people seemed to like it - as such, I thought I'd publish it separately so that people don't have to read through the pro-twitter polemic that originally preceded it. I've added in a few extra points just to make this vaguely defensible as a 'new' post.]

The twitter experience is nigh on impossible to define - it's different for everybody. Here are a few thoughts on what it's been for me:

- twitter is following Stephen Fry, Ashton Kutcher, Lance Armstrong and Oprah because you think you're supposed to, then unfollowing them once you realise they're dull

- twitter is accepting that Richard Bacon is more entertaining than Stephen Fry

- twitter is developing a crush on the funny girl who's probably nowhere near as hot in real life as she is in her profile picture, then discovering that she is, and that she's even funnier

- twitter is sharing an interesting article with people you know will find it interesting

- twitter is getting really really ANGRY about something, and then slightly embarrassed about that self-same anger

- twitter is clicking on a link you know you're going to enjoy just because of the person it came from

- twitter is learning a shitload of stuff that you didn't know

- twitter is not as serious or important as some people would have you believe

- twitter is not a bad thing. Saying twitter is a bad thing is like saying words are bad things. Of course it would be nice if the idiots didn't ever say anything, but the same is equally true of real life

- twitter is wishing Graham Linehan would stop being outraged by EVERYTHING, ALL OF THE TIME

- twitter is an awful lot of really good people who DEFINITELY have better things to do, but have chosen not to

- twitter is wishing Caitlin Moran was, if not your mum, then at least a drunk aunt

- twitter is getting stupidly excited the first time a celebrity @ replies you

- twitter is waking up to the news that Russell Davies is off to the lido. At least, it used to be

- twitter is getting drunk and saying something you regret

- twitter. Makes. X-Factor. Better.

- twitter is many an afternoon lost, but rarely an afternoon wasted

- twitter is NOT where the kids are

- twitter is CAPITAL LETTERS for emphasis

- twitter is the songs from the 80s that you hadn't thought about in years

- twitter is a place where you can appreciate the Backstreet Boys without having to pretend it's ironic

- twitter is a surprisingly evocative diary of days and months past

- twitter is precisely as interesting and as boring, and as frivolous and as serious, as you choose to make it

- twitter is not facebook status updates

- twitter is whatever you make it. Some of these points will apply to you - a lot may not. Let me know what you think in the comments.

I Love You, Campaign, But You Got It Wrong

You can click on this to make it bigger. Should you want to.

Yesterday, as some of you may have noticed, Campaign published a teaser for their 'end of year honours list' - 'Adland's Top Ten Twitterers'. Like the lovely fools that they are, they inadvertently included me alongside such genuine advertising luminaries as Rory Sutherland, Graham Fink, Ian Tait and the intimidatingly brilliant Amelia Torode.

I was obviously massively flattered, but... I hate to say it: Campaign got it wrong. I don't belong in that crowd. As I said in the last tweet they quoted, I mostly just make cock jokes and get excited about cricket. I am to twitter what Howard Donald is to Take That - it's nice that I'm there, but you'd probably get by ok without me if I went off to Germany to be a DJ. I'd like to think I'm Robbie. But I'm probably Howard.

So, in a desire to put right what once went wrong, I just wanted to quickly highlight the adland twitterers that twitter really couldn't cope without - the Gary Barlows of the twittersphere. I thought for a while about breaking it down into useful/interesting/insightful/etc, but then I bored myself, so I'm just going to give you three people who are much, much funnier than me - the Backstreet Boys to my N*Sync, to continue the boyband analogy. Or the All Saints to my Eternal, to mix it up a bit. Because twitter shouldn't be about getting AA Gill or Jan Moir sacked, and it shouldn't be about calling Nick Griffin a racist (unless it's done in an inventively sweary way), and it CERTAINLY should be about fucking twibbons. Twitter should entertain and inform. And these people are entertaining and informative. Yes.

First off, the indomitable Janet Belmot, self-proclaimed President Of The Internet, and the Biggest of the Big Thinkers. Here are some of the things that she has said that are funnier than the things that I have said:

"This year's Xmas party will be a riot. I'm developing cheese-nog. Like egg nog but on a cocktail stick"

"No hate mobs trending yet today. What time is it in America?"

"If using THREE links doesn't drum up support for a campaign, we might as well all leave Twitter now"

Secondly, the simply marvellous RealMenTweet, who we should all respect and be nice to, because not only is he VERY funny, he's also a sensitive soul (he also blogs better than me). As with Mrs B, here are three things he's said that are funnier than anything I've EVER said:

"YES! That guy who had the same jumper as me has been made redundant. No more embarrassing moments in the lift."

"my tickly cough has developed into a full-blown sniffle"

"wow that's depressing. just set myself a reminder to remove nasal hair"

And finally, the (some might say) award-winning Elika, who, to coin a phrase, sneezes funnier tweets than I can craft. Here are some examples from JUST THE LAST TWO DAYS:

"My boss is astonished at how much I know which PROVES I have a STUPID face."

"Holy Jesus. I *have* to stop twatting the phone into my face when I answer it."

"I hope I'm hormonal, otherwise I'm the sort of person who cries at How to Look Good Naked. Like, naturally."

So there you have it, people. Be on twitter, because it's ace. But don't believe Campaign's scurrilous and flattering lies. There's more to life than Howard Donald. SERIOUSLY.

I am, though, funnier than Mark Wnek. I mean, please.

Anyway, here's something brilliant and vaguely Halloweeny. Because it's a brilliant day and it's nearly Halloween. You're very welcome.

Poll Results - And Those Pesky Teenagers

So, somewhat fittingly, it seems that the readers of ALS are of the view that the Ashes are more likely to get cancelled because of Mr Flintoff's fondness for a tipple than they are to produce a winner. Let's hope you're right - in second place was a rather crushing (and based on the majority of the Cardiff test, realistic) victory for the Aussies. Drink up, Fred - your country needs you.

And so, a new poll. If you're a regular reader of this blog, or indeed any newspaper, you'll have discovered this week, amongst other pretty harrowing insights, that teenagers aren't on twitter. Which begs the question - where the bloody hell are they? And what are they doing there? And since when is it possible to get A*s at A level?

Poll is in the lefthand column, usual format applies. Enjoy.

Bankers Enter The World Of The Teenager, Swiftly Realise That It's Scary And Confusing

I'm sure that you have been overwhelmed, as I have, by the breadth of coverage given to the writings of one Matthew Robson, a Morgan Stanley intern, in the last couple of days. If you have managed to avoid it, than (a) you're extremely lucky, and (b) you should have a look at this before you read any further.

So first - to Matthew. Young Mr Robson, God bless his mother-bought cottons, recently undertook two weeks work experience at Morgan Stanley. Work experience (or 'internships', as they seem to be known nowadays) is no longer the luxury, or indulgence it was when I was a nipper - it's now a vital, and indeed compulsory element of the curriculum. And fair play to the lad - banking's a fairly interesting place to be at the moment.

Whilst there, Matthew wrote a paper on the media consumption of teens. Again, fair enough. I've asked work experience monkeys (or 'interns') to do similar things. It sounds like quite a fun project, and it certainly would have kept him quiet for a couple of days. The mistake that his supervisors made, as I'm sure you've all already guessed, was not just to read what he'd written, but to take it seriously. Oh dear.

I don't think it would be too cruel of me to suggest that a fifteen year old who chooses to spend his summer working at Morgan Stanley is not entirely representative of the UK's teen population.

It might be a little more cruel (but not wholly unreasonable) to suggest that, in the vernacular of MY youth, a fifteen year old who chose to spend his summer at Morgan Stanley might be 'a bit of a loser'.

It would almost certainly be cruel of me to suggest that if Matthew spent a little less time locked up in his bedroom talking to his 'friends' whilst playing Call Of Duty, he might look a little bit less translucent, and he might one day dare to dream of kissing a girl. (The inverted commas on 'friends' were definitely cruel.)

But enough of Matthew. He knows not what he does. Hell, I'm twice his age, and I'm still chucking my precocious views on this, that, and indeed the other all over the interweb as if I have half a clue what I'm talking about. And if his claim that "by the second week [he] felt he really knew what a bank did" is valid, then he's a long way ahead of most of the bankers who seemed to think that entailed spending the last 20 years screwing the economies of the Western World into the ground. (Unless, of course, that's what Matthew means.)

The embarrassment in all of this, and the bit that's driven me to post, is just how ludicrous the adult reaction to his (brace yourself) 'insight' has been. For the love of God, people - get a grip. Let's have a quick look at those 'insights', shall we? (I'd ask you to imagine the inverted commas around the word 'insight' for the rest of this post.)

Insight No. 1. Teenagers aren't on Twitter. No, they're not. But we knew that. Twitter is populated by people who work in advertising, people who work in marketing, or people who used to work in advertising or marketing, lost their jobs, and now have to describe themselves as 'Social Media Consultants' who can DEFINITELY make me millions. And that's fine.

Insight No. 2. A lot of teenage decisions are cost-driven. Well, smack me down and call me Susan. This changes EVERYTHING.

Insight No. 3. Teenagers don't use phones - they talk to each other on-line while playing Call of Duty. Well... Almost. The reality is, of course, that this has nothing to do with teenagers - Gamers talk to each other on-line while playing Call of Duty. They also don't kiss girls until they're in their late 20s. These aren't insights so much as Universal And Eternal Truths.

I could carry on, but this is turning into an attack on Matthew and his life again, which is really not the point. The point is the ridiculous glee with which the supposedly adult world (and specifically the financial sector) has leapt on all of this. It's Christmas Day, little Tommy has just unwrapped a pair of walkie-talkies, and the drunk grandads and uncles have got all over-excited because they don't need to be linked by bits of string.

So, if anyone at Morgan Stanley is reading this, can I humbly offer this 'insight': please stop worrying about Twitter, stop worrying about on-line gaming, stop worrying about Facebook, and stop worrying about fifteen year olds. Your job, for which you are extremely well-remunerated, is to worry about banking - and perhaps, dare I say it, to work out exactly what it is that banks should be doing. If Matthew Robson can crack it in a fortnight, it shouldn't take you guys more than a couple of years.