X-Factor. Wham Night. THE LIVE SHOW.

Right. In the self-enforced absence of twitter (which I'm TOTALLY fine with, by the way), I'm trying something new with X-Factor this week. I'll be writing this post as the episode progresses, and then posting without editing. We'll see how it works.

So - we're opening with a re-run of last week, to remind us (a) how VERY DRAMATIC it was when Afrotwat left, and (b) how AMAZING Jedward were. Consider us reminded. Take us to the bridge, dramatic VO Guy!

He did.

Right. So. Wham Night. I'll confess to being a little confused by this. I didn't realise anyone really cared about Wham. Still, I suppose Andrew Ridgeley's crack habit needs supporting. Let's sell some shit, people.

Aw. Our first view of Lloyd 'Shit' Daniels. He's going to 'do his best' and 'not let Cheryl down'. Given that Cheryl only seems to require Lloyd to look dead-eyed, blond, vaguely cherubic and give Louis a bit of a stiffy, I think he'll be safe.

Dermot. The spin. We know this bit. Dermot's suggesting that 'one slip' will mean that the acts are out - presumably, Lloyd 'slipping' would involve him actually hitting a note. Again, I think he's safe.

The judges are with us. Cheryl is dressed like a gay ballerina. Louis is dressed like a gay magician. Dannii is dressed like a gay. Awesome. Game on.

Ah. So apparently it's not Wham Night - it's George Michael night. Which means a George Michael montage - nearly 30 years of extremely questionable hair choices. Dermot's just let us now that George has called the show, and is watching at home, and that he's VERY excited about it, which is a LITTLE BIT Alan Partridge, but we'll let it go. Why? Because IT'S TIME FOR LLOYD!

Has everyone heard the rumours about Lloyd 'Shit' Daniels? Well, you won't be hearing them here. I'm bigger than that.

Oh, God. It's 'trip home' week. That means tears. And, brilliantly, Lloyd's little brother trying to hug the camera rather than Lloyd. It also appears to be 'Tortuous Lloyd Analogy Week'. He's been described as 'a cat' and various other things so far. The one thing nobody's been cruel enough to describe him as is a 'singer'.

Anyway. The singing. Why does Lloyd hate the right notes so much? So very, very much? The laws of probability state that he should have accidentally hit at least two so far in the show, but no - he's resolutely that semitone off. It really is quite impressive, in a really SHIT way. He's 'singing' Faith, by the way, a song that only George Michael can pull off. And even then, only just. He's changed his hair though, and is wearing a tight t-shirt, so Louis will be happy. Cripes. He went falsetto on the last note. That was a genuinely upsetting moment.

Louis 'loved the new haircut'. I am a visionary.

Simon's wearing a tie. He looks like a mason. And a cock.

Anyway. I can't talk about Lloyd anymore. He's just Lloyd. You all know this. They don't call him Lloyd 'Shit' Daniels for nothing. (I realise I'm the only one that calls him that. But it WILL catch on.)

Time for an ad break. Let's bright-dance, people.

We're back. And it's time for Stacey. I DO hope she does some of her walk-dancing tonight. And, if we're REALLY lucky, she might sing LOUD and then QUIET. Just like Leona.

I'm actually quite enjoying the intercut visits to HMV - it's been YEARS since I've seen a CD single. In other news, Stacey's mum appears to be from the West Country. And, less surprisingly, a barely literate moron. Blah, blah, competition gets tougher, FNAARK, pressure's on, the voice... Just shut up and sing.

Ok. She's sitting as she starts. Let's hope she can manage the tricky transition from 'sitting' to 'standing' and then maybe even to 'walking'. That's a genuine ROCK STAR move - apparently, Mariah still struggles with that one. Hmm. Sitting seems to be having a bit of a negative impact on her ability to sing. Multi-tasking is tough though. We shouldn't forget that.

I will proudly state at this point that I have NO IDEA what this song is. It does have a big, vaguely high, VERY LOUD note in the middle of it though, which is presumably why Dannii chose it for Stacey. It's also very smokey. All she needs is a cannon, and she's Cher turning back time. Only with a slightly less credible face.

Blah. The judges like Stacey. Of course they do. Cowell's looking at her and seeing a Leona-Lite that he can sell to the Southern States. TOTAL DOMINATION IS ASSURED. All I see is Dobby the House-Elf who's forgotten how to breath. Or sing.

Apparently Stacey was nervous. Apparently she talks like a twat when she's nervous. You know, more so. Right. Stacey's done. Back to the entertainment. Ah. No. Sorry, time for ANOTHER ad break.

THE TWINS ARE COMING!!!!! John. Edward. FUCK YEAH.

Brilliant home-coming VT for Jedward. Mum is gushing. Dad is MORTIFIED. The boys themselves are actually coming across as humble and lovely. Deal with it. Don't let the haters get you down, boys. Let's do this thing.

John and Edward are HILARIOUSLY dressed up in white suits, JUST LIKE Wham! Seriously, Louis - when will the magic end? Oh... I hate to say it, but the mid-song rap just isn't quite as exciting as it once was. John (or Edward) trying to high five a dancer and missing is brilliant though. As is John (or Edward) improvising his own, massively camp hip-wiggle dance. They're doing 'I'm Your Man', by the way. And I'm a little underwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, it was still BRILLIANT. It just wasn't 'Under Pressure' brilliant. And their 'This is Queen week, so we got to meet Queen. The band, not the ACTUAL Queen' comment will NEVER be bettered, by anyone, in any medium, ever.

Aw, Dannii says they look 'amazing'. What she means is that they look 'ridiculous'.

Louis talking about what young kids like is creepy. Fact.

Bottom line: they're the most entertaining thing about this show, and they're genuinely intellectually sub-normal, so not liking them is like bullying a kid in a wheelchair. You utter bastards.

Right. Danyl time.

Has anyone heard the rumours about Danyl, by the way? Well, you won't be hearing them here. I'm bigger than that.

Wow. Danyl's house is RUBBISH. The trip back the school was clever though. And his mum seems lovely. My affection for Danyl continues undimmed, REGARDLESS of the rumours (which I won't be mentioning). Anyway. He needs to sing now. And let's hope it's gets better than the opening few notes. He has started BADLY.

I successfully predicted this song choice for Danyl - Careless Whisper. I can see INTO COWELL'S MIND. I predict the chorus will be amazing. Yep. Right again. I know I say this every week, but Danyl's the only one left in the show who can sing. Even if he did take a bit of a Lloyd approach to the opening few bars. And, if we're honest, a few of the other bars. If not most of the bars. BUT HE'S NOT LLOYD. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

I do love the tension between Dannii and Danyl. I swear, Danyl's convinced that she's going to launch herself across the desk and set fire to him for being sexually ambiguous. And you can tell she wants to. And I'm sorry, but Cheryl criticising Danyl for being out-of-tune whilst simultaneously audio-fisting us with a blunt Lloyd every week has made my irony-detector explode. Anyway.

Right. Olly 'IN YOUR FACE' Murs. Fiver says he does a funky dance move with his neck at some point.

Olly's trip home. He's claiming not to be a mummy's boy. Only mummy's boys say that. I like that he's wearing a pork-pie hat - it really hammers home the 'Essex Lad, Man Of The People' thing. Inadvertently, I'm sure.

Olly's doing Fast Love. There has already been A LOT of hip-thrusting. The dancers are adorned with utterly bizarre arm-ribbons. I love it. Unfortunately, all Olly is doing with this performance is reminding us just how talented a singer George Michael is. You know, when he's not off his tits.

There's the neck dance. We're back on track. He'll probably need a new move at some point, but not yet kids. Fuck bright-dancing - EVERYBODY'S doing the Olly, and moving their arms whilst keeping their head ABSOLUTELY STILL. The second half is better than the first, but then the first half was shit-staggeringly awful. Simon's giving him a standing ovation though, so it MUST have been good.

Dannii, predictably, is currently riding him like a cowgirl WITH HER EYES. Louis loved EVERYTHING about his performance, which roughly translates as 'Louis loved EVERYTHING about his tight trousers'. Someone in the crowd just screamed 'Olly, we want your babies', brilliantly speaking for both Dannii and Louis. Cheryl said something in Geordie. I'll be honest, I don't really pay much attention when Cheryl talks. Does that make me a bad person? And Simon said some words. Seriously. Loads of them. It was (probably) AMAZING. He's got shit hair though.

So, who's left? Erm... Ooh, Joe. Snaggle-Toothed Joe. Anglepoise-Headed Joe. Staple-My-Right-Ear-To-My-Right-Shoulder-And-Watch-Me-FLY Joe. I'll say now, I'm extremely excited about discovering which song he's going to make sound like it comes from a musical this week.

I'm also intrigued to see whether having far too many teeth runs in Joe's family. I didn't think people in the North East tended to have many teeth, so it's always confused me a little. And... No. They don't have too many teeth. Joe's a freak. I KNEW IT.

My respect for the judges is also growing week on week - it's really not easy to talk as much as they do without saying ANYTHING. But they do it, week in, week out. Anyway - back to the musical.

Joe's doing 'Don't Let The Sun...' And so far, this is far and away the best performance of the night. In fact, he's doing very little that I can mock him for, which is extremely inconsiderate of him. Big note coming... And he's nailed it. Bastard. That was brilliant. If I were there, I think I'd probably be standing up. You FUCKER.

So, to summarise: blah, blah, Lloyd is shit, blah, Stacey's a moron, blah, Olly/Likeability Factor/Dark Horse, blah, blah. Everybody's performance, with Joe as an honourable exception, was ultimately an extremely good advert for George Michael. Joe's probably going to win now, which will really piss the Chicago producers off. He'll be free in 2011 chaps. You'll just have to make do with Darius for another year.

And rest. I'm going to have a cup of tea. By which I mean a bottle of wine. Oh, shit, no! I'd forgotten the 'recap'. Here's mine: Lloyd was awful; Stacey was LOUD; Jedward were energetic, like a pair of special kids chasing a biscuit; Danyl was also LOUD; Olly was a cheeky, chirpy, wide-boy, and will be fine; and Joe was a thoughtless fucker, who ruined everybody's fun by being really good. Lloyd and Jedward in the bottom two. Although Danyl's ABYSMAL opening might just save the twins. Dermot closes by (somewhat optimistically) assuming that George Michael is still watching the show at home (presumably, he's so fucked on ketamine and MDMA he doesn't know what he's watching anymore), and then scares the shit out of us with a massive SuBo VT, and we're done. G'night. See you tomorrow. Our X-Factor weekend is halfway through here. And all that.

So - there you have it. Live-blogging isn't quite the same as tweeting. I'm not sure it's worked that well. Let me know if you think it's an experiment worth continuing with for tomorrow's results show.